Life isn’t always easy. We inevitably have to face the loss of loved ones, illness, financial problems and a whole host of other issues that can make life feel very difficult at times. Some people turn to alcohol because they think it can help them deal with suffering, but all it does is delay the pain and make it worse in the long run.
However, much of the suffering we experience is something we choose. Now that may seem like a bizarre suggestion, but this is something that has been embedded in philosophy for thousands of years.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus introduced the Dichotomy of Control in his Enchiridion (handbook) compiled by his pupil Arrian in 125 CE.
He wrote:
“There are things that are within our power, and things that fall outside our power. Within our power are our own opinions, aims, desires, dislikes — in sum, our own thoughts and actions. Outside our power are our physical characteristics, the class into which we were born, our reputation in the eyes of others, and honours and offices that may be bestowed on us.”
This is expressed succinctly in Epictetus’ famous quote:
“It’s not what happens to us, but how we react that matters”
Epictetus knew a thing or two about suffering. He was a slave who at some point in his life was beaten so badly that he became lame.
The Stoics thought that it is crucial to differentiate between things outside of our control, and things within our control. If we fail to do this, we suffer unnecessarily.
Tim LeBon gives practical examples of how the Dichotomy of Control can help us in our everyday lives.[i]
Megan has an interview the next day and tends to suffer from interview nerves (as many of us would). She manages her nerves by considering that although she can’t control the questions the interviewer will ask, she can control the preparation she does for the interview. She interviewed well and got the job; had she spent the prior evening worrying about how the interview would pan out, perhaps she would have done less well.
LeBon gives another example of Jay, a young man in prison for drug offences who heard a talk on Stoicism. He realised that although he could not do anything about his past—his upbringing or his drug dealing—he did have control over his future. He became a mentor to young offenders to help them avoid the mistakes he made.
The Buddhists have a similar approach to suffering. They have a parable that it is painful to be struck by an arrow, but even more painful to be struck by a second arrow. The Buddha said:
“In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”
The second arrow represents our reaction to an unpleasant event.
So how do you avoid the second arrow? The first step is awareness. If you are in emotional pain, stop and consider the first arrow. What has caused it? What is your emotional reaction to it? Note that this is not about avoiding or suppressing the feeling – just note what it is and how you are experiencing it.
Next, think about whether you are choosing to take the second arrow. For example, are you making the incident mean much more than it needs to?
For example, let’s say you make a mistake at work and receive a reprimand from your manager. Your initial reaction is likely to be something like annoyance or even humiliation if it is a serious error or if the manager approached the conversation badly. You can accept that, feel it and learn from it, or you can make it mean much more than it needs to be, such as by thinking, “I made a mistake because I am an idiot” or “I am not good enough to do my job” or even just “I am not good enough”.
Michael A Singer, in his book, The Untethered Soul, says that we should not fight these feelings (the first arrow) but let them pass through us.
“Wise beings do not want to remain a slave to the fear of pain. They permit the world to be what it is instead of being afraid of it. They wholeheartedly participate in life, but not for the purpose of using life to avoid themselves. If life does something that causes a disturbance inside of you, instead of pulling away, let it pass through you like the wind…If you want to be free, you have to learn to stop fighting these human feelings.”[ii]
The poet Rumi makes the point that these feelings all have something to teach us if we let them.
"This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond."
Often in life, we encounter people whose actions seem unreasonable or unfair to us. We can choose how we let that affect us. Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor and Stoic expressed this beautifully:
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognised that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”
Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book, The Four Agreements, made one of his Agreements “Don’t take anything personally”[iii]. He says:
“Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
When we accept the idea that another person “made me feel” a particular way, we give away our power to them. It doesn’t matter whether the thing they did was reasonable or unreasonable, justified or not justified, well-intentioned or ill-intentioned, nobody has the power to make us feel or behave in any way other than how we choose to feel or behave.
So we suffer unnecessarily when we make things mean more than they should or get upset by other people. The other major source of unnecessary suffering is our reaction to things that have not yet happened, and may never happen. Mark Twain said:
“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
We all worry from time to time, but when it becomes persistent, it can be very debilitating, may promote a spiral of poor mental health and also affect our physical health. A good tactic for dealing with this is somewhat counterintuitive but there is a body of research that demonstrates its effectiveness. That is to deliberately set aside time for worrying every day, perhaps 15 minutes at the end of the day. If worries come up outside of that time, just write them down to consider during the worry time slot and then return to the present moment. This technique is a common tactic used in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
The Stoics placed a high value on dealing with anxiety and suffering and had several techniques, many of which have now been incorporated into CBT (the originators of CBT, Aaron T Beck and Albert Ellis were strongly influenced by Stoicism). I will discuss more of these in later blogs.
Paul
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